Little rascal on the way? Congrats. Let’s talk about how things are going to roll …

The first couple of weeks are pretty much as follows: feed baby, put baby down, get baby up, feed baby, change baby, put baby down, clean baby puke off your shirt, curse a lot (in a baby-friendly way), bounce the baby, curse when the fucking bouncing baby won’t go to sleep, and then do it all over again.

If you’re a brand-new parent then sprinkle in a few moments of pure terror for good measure.

Overall though, the first few weeks are kind of a cruel mistress, because things are actually pretty chill. Mom and you have time off.

(You do have time off, right? I mean, we discussed this already, didn’t we? If not, or if you somehow forgot what a flaming idiot you are, please read it, like, RIGHT NOW.)

Moms-in-Law etc are around. People are bringing you food. Baby is pretty much sleeping, all the time, except for when he’s crying and eating. Occasionally, she does cute shit. And you, lucky bastard, don’t have boobs. So unless you are bottle feeding, that whole gig happens without you.

But once you hit week 2, or 3, or 4 – prepare to get rolled by a stampede of angry penguins who smell like rotten fish.

Typically the transition goes something like this:

  1. This is way easier than watching paint dry.
  2. I pretty much don’t have anything to do right now except feed my wife occasionally. She does eat like a sumo wrestler though, what’s that about?!
  3. Whoa, this kid can sleep like a drunk sailor on valium!
  4. Where’s my beer?
  5. Man, I got woke like 4 times last night. Twice, because my wife punched me.
  6. It’s my turn to bring you the milk-monster so she can have her third midnight snack? Didn’t I just do that like ten minutes ago?
  7. I just went to sleep babe. It can’t be time to change him again.
  8. Shit, why is this kid not sleeping?
  9. If I have to bounce this fucker to sleep one more time I’m gonna lose it.
  10. What the fuck have we done?
  11. Where did all of these angry penguins come from, and why does the couch smell like rotten fish?

Thing is, those penguins roll in without so much as a tweet letting you know they’re on their way. Fuckers.

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