Money … it’s a gas. (Credit: Unsplash)

Financial independence is the quintessential American dream.

Ask any red-blooded American and you’ll find that it’s somewhere on their top-ten list along with owning a house in Aspen featuring a custom prepper cave/wine cellar, driving a Lambo to the home office of a 20-acre estate, and bumping virtual elbows with Ryan Reynolds while sipping on some Aviation gin.

And so I ask you: what better time to achieve your goals of maximal capitalism than during a worldwide pandemic?

To that, you say: I could practice refining my social distancing skills while keeping my local bar afloat. Or volunteer to contact trace the daily outbreaks in the White House. Or write a letter to every single teacher in the country to thank them for being amazing and also keeping those of us unfortunate to have children sane during ‘the normal times’.

I admire you. I do. But let’s be real. This is America! The great! The free! The land of self-interested opportunists! You so owe it to yourself and to your country to profit from these uncertain times. Even Oprah would agree.

Come, let us count the ways …

1. Short sharing economy stocks

How do you feel about sharing anything right now that isn’t crammed through the smartphone lens of TikTok or Instagram? I thought so.

The truth is that pretty much everyone feels that way.

Well, except for these folks:

clearwater beach.JPG
Ah, the warm feel of sand on your toes, the cool water, and the respiratory virus …

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the sharing economy is pretty fucked about now. Why not profit by basking in the misery of shareholders the world over?

Now there’s something you’ll be glad to share in.

2. Create a fake mask empire

This is America. Naturally, a number of folks believe in doing whatever the fuck they want, regardless of whether it might kill their grandmother (or Dan Patrick). Why not lean in and help out a brother (or sister) who deserves to exercise their right to not wear a mask, yet finds it unseemly to draw too much attention to themselves?

Enter the ‘fake mask’, made of ballistic 1-ply tissue. It might look like a mask, but it’s totally useless. You can even level up (and charge double) by emblazoning your masks with ‘Fuck Yeah’ or ‘America’ or simply a blood-red eagle.

As an MVP, you could also give this alternative version a go:

She probably just needed some air.

3. Stockpile hand sanitizer

This one seems like a good idea simply because hygiene and hysteria. I don’t pretend to offer any advice as to how you might distribute said stockpile, but at some point, you’ll be sitting on a goldmine that’s worth more than gold and TSLA stock.

4. Set up a shop selling nothing but ‘wear the damn mask’ stickers

For every fucknaught patriot who believes in freedom and liberty above all else, I’m fairly sure there are at least 2.2 folks who prioritize life (because if you’re dead, you’re not free … but wait … or are you?).

Go ahead and mass print your way to massive profits by creating a line of stickers that encourage people to make the right choice in as few words as possible, because people don’t like to read. (Alternate phrases might include “Go the fuck away”, “Distance your ass”, “Put a fucking mask on it”, or simply “Life > freedom”. Oh, and don’t forget about the soon-to-be-classic “Make America Less Dead Again”.)

As to where folks will display those stickers, I’m not quite sure, but people buy shit all the time that they don’t know what to do with, so just go for it!

5. Short airline stocks

Especially American, if only because they’re a bunch of asshats.


The least they could have done is offered him a tiny little napkin and some stale water.

Also, because this:

I suppose it’s better than snakes on the goddamn plane.

6. Start a crypto currency

Bitcoin 10k. ’nuff said.

Much coin. So wow.

7. Invest in gun stocks

In the best of times, Americans buy the shit out of guns. During the apocalypse, even those of us who frown on keeping a Glock in their sock tend to have second thoughts. Tap into that (and the inevitable run on guns if a Democrat takes the White House in November) and get ahead of the curve.

[This might actually be good adviceEd.]

8. Create a clinic for Zoom addicts

It’s hard to imagine anything more pervasive than the endless all-day Zooms and Google Hangouts and Slack calls. Even 4-year-olds and grandmothers are Zooming now.

At some point a reckoning will come, we’ll all burn the fuck out, and you might as well be the one to profit from all the broken minds. Yay Capitalism!

Of course, you’ll have to hold this clinic over Zoom — but that’s a small price to pay for recovery.

9. Write a book about recovering from Zoom PTSD

This one’s certain to hit the NYT bestseller list. Just make sure to offer some fluffy advice about taking some time to ‘reset’ and ‘lean-in’ to your ‘personal digital desert’. (For maximum profit, you can also just make it a long and rambling commercial for your Zoom addict clinic.)

10. Build a web camera that actually makes you look normal

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of looking up people’s noses and secretly loathing their lack of appropriate backlighting while simultaneously trying not to look shifty because I can’t figure out where to look in order to make effective non-creepy eye contact.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not quite sure how you solve this one, so if you do, I’ll be the first to line up and buy whatever the heck it is. Also, you’ll be rich AF.

11. Buy any stock that’s trading down at least 10% since February

Because the stock market always goes up and to the right (except for right now, but that’s fake news), you should totally buy some of it, now, because it’s totally going up and to the right again really soon and you’re going to miss out.

Bonus tip: definitely buy pharma stocks, especially on any news of anything related to COVID-19 (even it if has nothing to do with the company).

12. Start a line of DIY moonshine kits

Everyone should have a beard like this (Credit: Facebook)

At some point, there will be a shortage of alcohol. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news — after all, liquor stores are probably more essential than hospitals in this day and age — but eventually, the supply chain is going to be fucked.

With that in mind, now is the perfect time to enable everywoman (and man) to return to their prohibition roots and get their ‘shine going. Just make sure to steer them clear of methanol blindness and you’ll do fine.


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